How to Forgive: Seven Steps to Freedom

By: Lauren Thomas

When we have been deeply hurt, forgiveness might seem impossible. While small offenses can be easily forgiven, big offenses seem to call on a different process. What is that process? And how do we engage in the work? How do we find freedom through forgiveness? 

As a Christian counselor, I use the following steps to walk people through forgiveness.

 

Identify the wrongdoing. First Corinthians 13:5 NIV claims that “love keeps no record of wrongs.” In order to keep no record of wrongs, a record of wrongs must first exist. It might seem counterintuitive to the forgiveness process, but creating this record helps to accurately identify the wrong that has been done, separating action and emotion. Consider creating a pen and paper record. In a later step, this record will be used again.

 

Understand the loss. When we have been wronged, there is often a resultant loss. By understanding the loss, we position ourselves to extend full forgiveness. Partial understanding of the loss yields partial forgiveness, and sometimes a “root of bitterness” is left behind (see Hebrews 12:5). Ask yourself, “how have I been hurt? What has this hurt cost me? What losses have I experienced because of this hurt?” Here are some examples of the types of losses that might occur after being hurt by someone: loss of trust, hope, confidence, peace, dreams for the future, security, etc.

 

Grieve the loss. Feeling sadness over loss is normal and healthy. The greater the loss, the deeper the grief. Allow yourself to grieve what has been lost. Your loss is real and significant. If it weren’t, forgiveness would be simple!

 

Seek to understand the offender. When we have been wounded by another, we sometimes become blind to the very real hurts in our offender’s life, which might have contributed to their treatment of us. When we can find empathy for our offender, we begin to understand their behavior better. This in no way excuses their wrongdoing, but it helps us see that we are not the only ones who have suffered. Understanding another starts with curiosity. Become curious about your offender. Curiosity leads to empathy. Empathy is when we can take the perspective of another, withhold judgement, and join them in their emotion. If we can feel empathy for our offender, we are on the pathway to forgiveness.

 

Release revenge and the record of wrongs. Only one person has the right to vengeance, and that is God (see Romans 12:17-19). In order to forgive another, we must relinquish any desire to “get even” or punish our offender. We must choose to trust God to take care of vengeance in His way and in His timing. This is a great opportunity to also “release” the record of wrongs. If you have created a physical record, how might you destroy it? Burn it, shred it, bury it, throw it into a body of water. Release revenge and release the record of wrongs.

 

Treasure Hunt. Joseph in Genesis is a perfect example of this step to forgiveness. When he verbalized his forgiveness to his brothers for selling him into slavery, he acknowledged the good that God had brought from it. See Genesis 50:20. God is able to redeem the evil that has been done against us. We can “treasure hunt” that hurt to see how God has used it for good. Once you find the hidden treasure, thank God for it.

 

Write (don’t send) letter to offender. Though this step isn’t necessary, it can be very therapeutic. In this letter you can express your hurt and extend forgiveness in a way that you might not be able to face to face. I do not recommend sending this letter. This letter is for and about you, not the offender. While it is sometimes important to verbalize our forgiveness, it is ultimately something that happens in our hearts.

 

¹⁴ For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you, ¹⁵ but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.

Matthew 6:14-15 ESV

 

Reflection:

Are any of the above steps new to you? How is this process similar to or different from how you have forgiven people in the past?

Is there something you need to forgive? Is there someone you need to forgive? Use the above steps to engage in forgiveness.

Patience

By: Grace Metzger 

For I know the plans I have for you,
declares the Lord. Plans to prosper
ou and not to harm you; plans for hope and a future.

Jeremiah 29:11

I am not a patient person in the slightest. Although I always knew this about myself, I was not aware of how bad it has became until I was a two weeks in a three month recovery trying to argue that it was taking too long. Apparently hip surgery is not a easy process and I was struggling with having to wait so long to recover. My impatience was a very annoying thing to those around me. I saw myself whining and complaining constantly about not being able to do anything. I hated that I did this for several reasons; one being that it was just annoying to everyone around me, but the second reason is I felt myself growing more and more upset that my body wasn't working on my timeline. 

Be still in the presence of the Lord,
and wait patiently for Him to act.

Psalm 37:7

I knew that I needed to work on my patience before I became someone who was unbearable to be around, so I dove into my Bible and looked up verses about patience. I found Psalm 37:7, a lovely verse that stuck in my mind. Was I waiting for God to act or was I too busy trying to rush Him? Did I actually pray to about my recovery or was I too busy complaining? 

If you have been around fellow believers for a bit you might have heard someone say, "Don't pray for patience." The thought process behind this is that if you pray for patience then God is going to give you opportunities to be patience; an example being, you prayed then you got stuck in traffic for hours on end. I have heard this saying a lot as a kid and I was always so confused. Don't get me wrong, I understand why people joke about it, but patience is a Fruit of the Spirit. It never made sense to me to discourage people from gaining more Fruit of the Spirit.

But that is human nature, we don't want to wait. We have overnight shipping, we can get a cheeseburger in less then two minutes, we hate ads because they make us wait a bit for our show. The world isn't teaching us how to wait anymore. I realized how bad it gotten when I was explaining to kids what an ad is, they couldn't understand why their show wasn't playing the second they wanted it.

So if patience is a hard thing that is discouraged by both Christians and the world, then why even try to be patient at all? What's the point of putting yourself through it?

There can be several answers to that question but my first thought was the story of Abraham and Isaac. If you are unfamiliar with the story then I encourage you to read it, but it is a great story that shows why we need to work towards a patient heart. Abraham was old and never had a child when God spoke to him, God promised that Abraham's offspring will be as plentiful as the number of stars in the sky. If I was Abraham then I probably would have assumed that means God would give me a child right then and there but he actually had to wait a bit after the promise. While that might have made me assume that I misunderstood God's promise, Abraham continued on believing in God and being patient in his waiting. And God reward him with a son named Isaac, who's descendant would later on be Jesus!

Imagine if we were just patient and waited for God's timing, how joyful it would be to live in His timeline rather than ours.  

So how do we become patient believers? By prayer and practice! I challenge you this week to notice when your patience is running thin to reach out to God, pray to Him to continue to supply you with enough patience and kindness to see through anything. 

Reflection:
1. Is patience something you struggle with?
2. What verses do you lean on when you are working on patience?

The Armor of God Part 4: The Shoes of the Gospel of Peace

 By: Rebekah Hargraves 

Photo Courtesy of: Kajal Nemani

"Stand, therefore, with truth like a belt around your waist, righteousness like armor on your chest, and your feet sandaled with readiness for the gospel of peace." 

~Ephesians 6:14

Today in our series on the armor of God, we come to the piece of the armor commonly referred to  the "shoes of the gospel of peace". 

Of this piece of the armor Matthew Henry writes, 

"Shoes, or greaves of brass, or the like, were formerly part of the military armour (1 Sam 17 6): the use of them was to defend the feet against the gall-traps, and sharp sticks, which were wont to be laid privily in the way, to obstruct the marching of the enemy, those who fell upon them being unfit to march. The preparation of the gospel of peace signifies a prepared and resolved frame of heart, to adhere to the gospel and abide by it, which will enable us to walk with a steady pace in the way of religion, notwithstanding the difficulties and dangers that may be in it. 

It is styled the gospel of peace because it brings all sorts of peace, peace with God, with ourselves, and with one another. It may also be meant of that which prepares for the entertainment of the gospel, namely, repentance. With this our feet must be shod: for by living a life of repentance we are armed against temptations to sin, and the designs of our great enemy. Dr. Whitby thinks this may be the sense of the words: 'That you may be ready for the combat, be shod with the gospel of peace, endeavour after that peaceable and quiet mind which the gospel calls for. Be not easily provoked, nor prone to quarrel: but show all gentleness and all long-suffering to all men, and this will certainly preserve you from many great temptations and persecutions, as did those shoes of brass the soldiers from those galltraps.'"

I found his explanation most helpful, as this passage can be one that is perhaps otherwise a bit challenging to understand. Being armed with the gospel of peace brings to mind a passage from the book of James, also which I believe we will find helpful here to further aid in our understanding:

"But the wisdom from above is first pure, then peace-loving, gentle, compliant, full of mercy and good fruits, unwavering, without pretense." ~James 3:17

Likewise, Paul writes,

"If possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone." ~Romans 12:18

If we want to fight back against the spiritual warfare of the enemy by building the kingdom of God, we will have to arm ourselves not only with "a" gospel but with "the" gospel, which is a gospel of peace. We do the kingdom of God and our Great Commission work a grave disservice when our gospel presentations, our truth-sharing missions, are not peaceful and gentle.  

May we be known for our peacefulness going forward.

Reflection Questions:

1) Did you know prior to this study what was meant by the gospel of peace?

2) How does this passage challenge you?

3) How is the Lord leading you to change how you live in light of this passage?

Let the Redeemed Say So!

 By: Joanne Viola

With Thanksgiving on the horizon, I have been thinking about the Lord’s faithfulness. It is astounding to look back over the years and see His hand guiding, promises fulfilled, and moments where His grace and mercy were poured out in abundance.

 

“Let the redeemed of the Lord say so,
Whom He has redeemed from the hand of the adversary and gathered from the lands,
From the east and from the west,
From the north and from the south.”
(Psalm 107:2-3, NASB)

 

Are we saying so?  That is the question that has been on my mind.

 

We, the redeemed, have been set free from sin, hurtful memories, unforgiveness, resentments, anger, insecurities and jealousies. In His love, grace, and mercy, He seeks to keep us liberated and living our days in His freedom. He frees us to be people whose lives are a display of His love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control (Galatians 5:22) as we keep step with Him each day.

 

Our God redeems each of us with exactly the same price, the shed blood of His Son. There is no difference in value placed on any of our lives. God redeems us from very different places and circumstances.

 

We are all equal at the foot of the Cross. Each life tells it own unique story of redemption And in the telling, we tell His Story – The Story of Redemption.

 

As we look back over our lives and see evidence of God’s faithfulness,
we see His goodness to us in each day.
“Let the redeemed of the Lord say so!”

 

 

Reflection: 
What are you thankful for today? Take time to look back over the history of your life. Take note of God’s faithfulness, mercy, grace, and love towards you. 

 

Image by Stefan Schweihofer from Pixabay 

 

 

Forgiveness Is Not...Once and Done

  By: Lauren Thomas

“as far as the east is from the west, so far does he remove our transgressions from us.”

Psalm 103:12 ESV

To forgive and forget is the prerogative of an infinite God. But we, as finite humans, lack such capacity. We fail to forget, though we may succeed in forgiving. This is why Peter sought to ascertain the limit to necessary forgiveness in Matthew 18:21. When Peter asked this question, Jesus’ response highlighted that though we may be limited in capacity, God requires that our forgiveness be limitless.

 

Because we cannot forget, we must again forgive.

 

If we view forgiveness as a single event, we may struggle to achieve it. We may put off attempting it. We may ignore or deny the needfulness of it. We may feel discouraged when we once again feel pangs of bitterness. After thinking we had successfully done with it, we feel disappointment when reminders renew our pain. Seeing forgiveness as a single event can sabotage the process.

 

Because we cannot forget, we must again forgive.

 

The deeper the hurt, the more frequently we may need to engage in the process of forgiveness. The older the wounds, the more frequently we may need to forgive. The hurts received from those who were meant to love and protect us, those we must forgive more frequently.

 

Because we are unable to cast the wrongs committed against us as far as the Lord can, they tend to creep back toward us from time to time. By viewing forgiveness, not as an event, but as a daily cross to pick up, we can find freedom from bitterness and unforgiveness.

 

Because we cannot forget, we must again forgive.

 

Unlimited forgiveness is the prerogative of the Christian. Let me remind you, Christian, in Jesus, you have eternal life. By God extending his infinite forgiveness toward you, you have received infinite ability to forgive others just as He forgave you.

 

“Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.”

Ephesians 4:32 ESV

 

Reflection:

Because you have received forgiveness, how can you extend that forgiveness to someone in your life? What do you usually do when you forgive but are unable to “forget”? Are there any hurts you have not yet forgiven?

 

Next week, check back for ways to engage in the process of forgiveness.