By: Lauren Thomas
When we have been deeply hurt, forgiveness might seem impossible. While small offenses can be easily forgiven, big offenses seem to call on a different process. What is that process? And how do we engage in the work? How do we find freedom through forgiveness?
As a Christian counselor, I use the following steps to walk people through forgiveness.
Identify the wrongdoing. First Corinthians 13:5 NIV claims that “love keeps no record of wrongs.” In order to keep no record of wrongs, a record of wrongs must first exist. It might seem counterintuitive to the forgiveness process, but creating this record helps to accurately identify the wrong that has been done, separating action and emotion. Consider creating a pen and paper record. In a later step, this record will be used again.
Understand the loss. When we have been wronged, there is often a resultant loss. By understanding the loss, we position ourselves to extend full forgiveness. Partial understanding of the loss yields partial forgiveness, and sometimes a “root of bitterness” is left behind (see Hebrews 12:5). Ask yourself, “how have I been hurt? What has this hurt cost me? What losses have I experienced because of this hurt?” Here are some examples of the types of losses that might occur after being hurt by someone: loss of trust, hope, confidence, peace, dreams for the future, security, etc.
Grieve the loss. Feeling sadness over loss is normal and healthy. The greater the loss, the deeper the grief. Allow yourself to grieve what has been lost. Your loss is real and significant. If it weren’t, forgiveness would be simple!
Seek to understand the offender. When we have been wounded by another, we sometimes become blind to the very real hurts in our offender’s life, which might have contributed to their treatment of us. When we can find empathy for our offender, we begin to understand their behavior better. This in no way excuses their wrongdoing, but it helps us see that we are not the only ones who have suffered. Understanding another starts with curiosity. Become curious about your offender. Curiosity leads to empathy. Empathy is when we can take the perspective of another, withhold judgement, and join them in their emotion. If we can feel empathy for our offender, we are on the pathway to forgiveness.
Release revenge and the record of wrongs. Only one person has the right to vengeance, and that is God (see Romans 12:17-19). In order to forgive another, we must relinquish any desire to “get even” or punish our offender. We must choose to trust God to take care of vengeance in His way and in His timing. This is a great opportunity to also “release” the record of wrongs. If you have created a physical record, how might you destroy it? Burn it, shred it, bury it, throw it into a body of water. Release revenge and release the record of wrongs.
Treasure Hunt. Joseph in Genesis is a perfect example of this step to forgiveness. When he verbalized his forgiveness to his brothers for selling him into slavery, he acknowledged the good that God had brought from it. See Genesis 50:20. God is able to redeem the evil that has been done against us. We can “treasure hunt” that hurt to see how God has used it for good. Once you find the hidden treasure, thank God for it.
Write (don’t send) letter to offender. Though this step isn’t necessary, it can be very therapeutic. In this letter you can express your hurt and extend forgiveness in a way that you might not be able to face to face. I do not recommend sending this letter. This letter is for and about you, not the offender. While it is sometimes important to verbalize our forgiveness, it is ultimately something that happens in our hearts.
14 For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you, 15 but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.
Matthew 6:14-15 ESV
Reflection:
Are any of the above steps new to you? How is this process similar to or different from how you have forgiven people in the past?
Is there something you need to forgive? Is there someone you need to forgive? Use the above steps to engage in forgiveness.
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