Forgiveness Is Not...Reconciliation

 By: Lauren Thomas

I want to clear up some confusion: forgiveness and reconciliation are not the same thing. This is more than semantics. Forgiveness and reconciliation are two different processes. This confusion often keeps people, even Christians, from letting go of the pain of relational wounds.

As much as we might not like it, Jesus taught that if we fail to extend forgiveness to others, God withholds forgiveness from us. Forgiveness is unavoidable for the Christian. But when Christians confuse reconciliation and forgiveness, it can lead to discouragement and disobedience.

 

Reconciliation is the restoration of relationship.

 

Forgiveness is not that.

 

Forgiveness involves cancelling a debt or pardoning an offense.

 

Here’s where it gets confusing. Forgiveness is not condoning a debt or an offense, and forgiveness is not the restoration of a relationship.

 

While reconciliation should be our aim, it is not always healthy, neither is it always possible.

 

Finally, brothers, rejoice. Aim for restoration, comfort one another, agree with one another, live in peace; and the God of love and peace will be with you.

2 Corinthians 13:11 ESV

Reconciliation requires action from both parties. Reconciliation involves forgiveness from the one who was hurt, but it also necessitates that the offender has remorse for their offense and ceases from further participation in that offense.

 

If an offender fails to have remorse for their wrong, if they continue to participate in their wrongdoing, reconciliation is impossible. We aim for restoration, but it is an ideal not always achieved.

 

Forgiveness does not have to involve both parties. We can pardon an offense against us, a hurt, a betrayal, without the other person repenting of their wrongdoing.

 

As a counselor, I have sat across from individuals who have been too afraid to forgive because they thought it would give their perpetrator power over them. No.

 

Forgiveness is not reconciliation.

• Forgiveness does not put us in a place to be wounded again. It puts us in a place of freedom.  
• Forgiveness does not give an offender power over us. It takes power away from the enemy of our souls. (See Ephesians 4:26-27.)

If you have been struggling with unforgiveness because you were confusing it with reconciliation, today is the day to take a step of obedience to Jesus by forgiving someone in your life, just as Christ forgave you.

 

Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.

Ephesians 4:32 ESV

 

Reflection:

How may you have confused forgiveness and reconciliation? Have you “aimed” for reconciliation only to be hurt again? Were you able to forgive the person who wounded you, even if the relationship could not be repaired? How can you live in forgiveness today?