Marriage in the Days of Mothering

 By: Rebekah Hargraves

Photo Courtesy of: Kelly Sikkema

Who can find a wife of noble character?
She is far more precious than jewels.
The heart of her husband trusts in her,
and he will not lack anything good.
 She rewards him with good, not evil,
all the days of her life.

~Proverbs 31:10-12

So happy to see you here again today, friend, for our next installment in our motherhood series! Tell me if you can relate at all to my perspective here: when you are pregnant with your first child, there is simply no way you can have any real idea of just how many changes are awaiting you. Right? I would say, changes especially in the area of your marriage.

Just as you have a touch of starry-eyed syndrome when you're dating and then engaged, not fully grasping the fact that you are a sinner marrying a sinner in a fallen world and therefore will hit rough patches sometimes, so it also is with expectant parents. They are starry-eyed (and rightfully so!), not seeing how there could be any way that they would ever fail to prioritize their spouse after baby arrives or even find it hard sometimes to spend one-on-one time with him. But it happens. To all of us. 

That challenging awakening can't be avoided, but there is hope! And it is this: we don't have to give into the cultural lie that your children must come first on your list of priorities or, as one article I read claimed, that you will never have the ability to have a one-on-one, uninterrupted conversation with your husband once the children come. That kind of defeatist, martyrdom mentality is not biblical, and it is not ours to take on. 

But how do we avoid it? Here are some important reminders for all of us mamas:

 

• Hubby came first.

By God's design, your marriage is to be second on your priorities list, just under God and your relationship with Him. We see all the way back at the beginning of time, in the book of Genesis, that the institution of marriage was created first and deemed to be good before there was any mention of children (see Genesis 1:26-28 and Genesis 2:18-25). You didn't get married to then just have children and allow your roles and responsibilities as a mom to completely crowd out your marriage, right? And yet we oftentimes live in that very way, as if that is what we believe to be true.

 

• You have time for what is important; redeem it.

Something that has been convicting to me lately is the fact that I so often believe the lie that I don't have time. As if the sovereign, omniscient, omnipotent Lord made a big mistake when He chose to place 24 (and only 24) hours in a day! I know that can't be true, and yet I act as if it is because I so overstuff my schedule with things the Lord never asked or expected of me (can we say scrolling social media for no good reason, saying "yes" to each and every request that ever comes my way, prioritizing the wrong things, having too many "good" things I'm doing, and the list goes on). I can't blame the Lord and deprive my husband of the wife he should have by believing that I'm simply too busy keeping up with the kids and my work at home and my ministry and my friends and my extended family and my hobbies to focus time on him. If I am making that excuse, I am prioritizing the wrong things, and I need to reassess the situation at hand.

How we use our God-given time (time truly is a gift, friend!) is a serious matter. Consider these verses:

 

"See then that you walk ]circumspectly, not as fools but as wise, redeeming the time, because the days are evil." ~Ephesians 5:15-16

"So teach us to number our days,

That we may gain a heart of wisdom." ~Psalm 90:12

"Therefore we make it our aim, whether present or absent, to be well pleasing to Him. For we must all appear before the judgment seat of Christ, that each one may receive the things done in the body, according to what he has done, whether good or bad. Knowing, therefore, the terror of the Lord, we persuade men; but we are well known to God, and I also trust are well known in your consciences." ~2 Corinthians 5:9-11

"So then each of us shall give account of himself to God." ~Romans 14:12

How do we want that account to go? Do we want to have to tell the Lord we failed to give our all to your marriage, choosing rather to pour 115% of ourselves into our children while that man we chose to marry was left feeling ignored? I know without a doubt how I would feel if my husband did that to me. I don't want to do that to him!

This is not to say, of course, that there aren't seasons in a mother's life wherein the demands on her time, attention, and wherewithal are completely stretched (I think, for example, of the newborn season). But even then, there are several practical little ways that you can, without cost or tons of time, make it tangibly evident to your husband just how much you truly do love, notice, and appreciate him. 

 

• A strong marriage is a wonderful foundation and example for your children.

Now, this is not at all to say that you can't have great kids without a strong marriage. Let me say clearly and unequivocally for any single, separated, divorced, or widowed mamas reading this today: our God is a mighty God of redemption power, gifted and apt at bringing much good out of even the most awful situations, and is more than enough for you and your children. He can and will be the Father they don't have.

Having said that, several studies have shown the huge impact a godly father and husband can have on a family and how the children will grow, view themselves personally, and transition into adulthood. Not only that, but we read in Ephesians 5:22-33 that marriage is a tangible picture of the gospel - of the very relationship between Christ and His bride, the Church. Yet another reason why it is an honor and privilege we have to pour into our marriages, taking advantage of every chance we get to do just that! This isn't about a "have to" rule of drudgery and exhaustion. It's about a "get to" practice of joy, purpose, love, and kingdom impact. And that's a beautiful thing!

 

• Pouring into your marriage now (or choosing not to!) will impact both your future and the future of your children. 

The fact is that you do have a choice to make. Either you will intentionally prioritize your spouse in both little and big ways throughout your journey of motherhood - even in the midst of your busyness!- or you won't. But remember that if you are lackadaisical and lacking in intentionality when it comes to your marriage, you are subconsciously saying that it really isn't all that important for you to do so - that meeting your child's every possible need is of more importance. And, sweet friend, that is a lie, plain and simple. It's just as my friend Victoria said on my podcast one day, "You are [your kids’] mom, but you aren’t supposed to be their whole world. You ultimately need to point them to Christ to meet all their needs.” Profound, isn't it? Such an important reminder. It is one that will not only strengthen and equip your children in their walk with the Lord, but it will free and relieve you, too, to not feel as if the whole weight of the world is on your two shoulders alone. You will find that you really can shift your focus back onto your husband where it needs to be more often than it probably is (if you're like me!), and the world will not come crashing down as a result. Instead, it will be made stronger in the process!

So, sweet mama friend, you have a choice to make. What will you choose? Will you choose to prioritize your marriage and your man even in the midst of your busiest days as a mom? Or will you allow your children to consume all your time, attention, effort, and ability, depriving them of an important life lesson and also depriving your husband in the process?

The fact of the matter is that our age-old enemy is right now at this very moment actively on the prowl seeking to destroy your marriage. Not merely your friend's marriage or your neighbor's marriage or your sister's marriage or your favorite ministry leader's marriage. No, yours. Are you going to let him? Or will you fight back for what's rightfully yours?

Questions for Reflection:

1. Are you in the habit of giving your husband your leftovers? How can you purposely determine to intentionally change that starting right now, today?

2. Are you too busy? Are there too many things on your to-do list, leaving not enough whitespace on your calendar? What can you prayerfully remove from your schedule in order to make time for what matters for eternity?

3. 1 Corinthians 7:34 says, "There is a difference between a wife and a virgin. The unmarried woman cares about the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and in spirit. But she who is married cares about the things of the world—how she may please her husband." Interestingly enough, this shows that one of our primary focuses as wives is to be to pour into our marriages. Children and motherhood are not mentioned here. That isn't to say that the role of mama is not an important one (refer back to the beginning of this series for a reminder on just how important it is!). But it is to say that perhaps in our day in age we have put the cart before the horse. What strikes you about this passage in light of our tendency to place our children and their needs before our husbands and theirs?

4. How might failing to pour into your marriage and cultivate strength in that relationship negatively impact your children? How have you seen that happen in your own marriage and family?