Joy: Not By My Definition

By: Lauren Thomas

“Fill her with joy,” she prayed over me. I had asked for prayer after having felt low, depressed. But as soon as the words came out of her mouth, I knew that they were prophetic. I knew my depressed mood was hormonal. And I knew that the joy I was to be filled with was that of a new life in my womb. Sadness and apathy were replaced with happiness.

Joy.

 

I held onto that word, believing in faith that it would characterize this pregnancy and birth.

 

But my idea of joy and God’s idea were strangely at odds.

 

At 14 weeks, our baby was given a death sentence: inevitable miscarriage. 

“My joy is in Heaven.” That’s what I spoke to my husband that night, thinking I had lost the joy inside me.

 

Then, the joy of the miracle – my pregnancy was divinely sustained – co-mingled with the fear of its fragility.  

 

My pregnancy continued until emergency c-section at 24 weeks 3 days. My joy lived in a plastic box in the NICU for nearly 5 months before he got to come home with us.

 

Joy?

 

This was not what I had in mind. Not what I had expected. Not what I had bargained for.

 

² Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, ³ for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. ⁴ And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.

James 1:2-4 ESV

 

God’s idea for that prophetic word of joy had more to do with the work He was beginning in me, not the human life He was bringing to me.

 

Sometimes my heart still rebels against this. Why God? Why can’t You share my definition of joy? Why must I bend my will and heart to Yours?

 

For as the heavens are higher than the earth,
    so are my ways higher than your ways
    and my thoughts than your thoughts.

Isaiah 55:9 ESV

 

All I can do is trust. Trust that You, God, are good. Trust that You, God, have good intentions toward me. Trust that one day, God, You will make all wrongs right, will wipe away every tear from my eyes, will call me Beloved, will make our joy complete.

 

…so that they may have the full measure of my joy within them.

John 17:13b NIV

 

And I will pray with fervor:

 

Restore to me the joy of your salvation,
    and uphold me with a willing spirit.

Psalm 51:12 ESV

 

Reflection:

What is your definition of joy? Have you experienced friction between your definition and God’s? What might be the connection between a “willing spirit” and the joy of Jesus’ salvation?