Woman to Woman: Are You Listening?

“Are you listening?” Meeting my frustrated gaze, she assures me she is indeed listening. The vacancy in her eyes, however, reveals a different reality.

For many, the desire of being “heard” by those close to them, far outweighs the desire of being seen by them. Exploring the power of cultivating deep listening revealed my own failure in offering the gift of deep listening to others.

As the recipient of a deaf ear from a friend, their insensitivity triggered my hurt from past wounds cut deep into my heart by others professing love, but rarely heard my cries for help.

Fleeing once again to the Lord armed with my pain, resulted in what at first seemed a rebuke. “He who has ears, let him hear.” Matthew 13:9 stared at me from my daily reading. Yes, clearly my friend needed these words, but strangely, they felt directed at me!

To experience the power of cultivating deep listening, understanding the difference between hearing, and the compassionate component of listening was necessary.

A physical act of perceiving sound, hearing offers little more than a passive acknowledgement of a voice. Conversely, deep listening, offers understanding of the person beyond the spoken word.

Am I Hearing?

· Passive receiving

· Simple action

· Requires no conscious effort

· Captures sounds and words

Am I Listening?

· Active processing

· Skilled action

· Requires conscious effort

· Offers understanding of the person

Clearly, as we often experience, both we and others “hear” the spoken word but contribute little attention or real involvement. Deep listening, on the other hand, hears the silence and reads between the lines, enabling perception of emotions, thought processes, and mindset of the other person without judgement.

In short, employing compassionate listening opens the door for understanding the person speaking the words, while communicating genuine interest and engagement.

Returning to Jesus’ words in Matthew 13:9, having “ears to hear” clearly implies more than simple reception of spoken words. The nuanced statement speaks to listening with intent towards understanding, and ultimately to live Jesus’ words.

As I understood more about deep listening, I saw not only my failure in listening well to others, but also my failure in listening to myself and most importantly to God.

The benefits of employing compassionate listening with others abound as listed above. But a true listening ear offered with compassion to myself, helps battle negative self-talk, compassionately process failure and woundedness, and applies comfort to my grief.

Genuinely embracing my Savior’s words with the intent of living them out, only happens through deep listening. I wonder, how often have I cried out to God for answers or guidance on issues He may have answered?

Failing to truly listen, I neither understood God nor His clear instruction.

Becoming a compassionate listener means I pursue listening from a heart of love and compassion, not simply to gain information. Far from a limited tool for unearthing knowledge, listening is a place.

A place of understanding, connection, and healing.

Instead of having conversations, through deep listening, we are conversations. Ultimately, we become what we hear.

But even more important; training ourselves towards deep listening, we shake off preconceptions of others resulting in judgement filled “hearing”, while shedding our own need for posturing.

Best of all, imagine how much more intimate being still and knowing God might become through deep listening.