Woman to Woman: Cycle of Trust

By: Lauren Thomas

When I sit across from women in my counseling office who have suffered betrayal, the question comes up: how do I rebuild trust in my relationship?

Though the answer to this question involves a repentant heart from the betrayer, building trust looks similar, whether it occurs after infidelity or at the beginning of a relationship.

That process is best explained by “the cycle of trust.” It works like this:

Need -> Need expressed -> Response to need -> Need Satisfied -> Comfort (Repeat)

Both parties are involved in this, as it builds reciprocally. As the cycle is completed successfully and consistently, over time, trust is built.

Sometimes, when a relationship has little trust, there is a breakdown somewhere in the cycle. Perhaps one party fails to express their need or does so in a way that is defensive or unkind. Perhaps the other party responds poorly to an expressed need. Either way, the cycle is disrupted.

Building trust with God follows a similar process. With God, we express our need. When He responds, our need is satisfied and comfort results.

It reminds me of the hymn, “Tis so Sweet to Trust in Jesus”:

Jesus, Jesus, how I trust Him!
How I’ve proved Him o’er and o’er!

The “proving” comes from completing the cycle of trust. Consistency over time yields more and more trust in our relationship with Jesus.

But what happens when we don’t trust him? What happens when His response to our need is delayed? What happens when we don’t feel satisfied with his response? What happens when we don’t feel comforted?

Because it will happen. There will be times that God’s answer is delayed. There will be times when God’s action isn’t according to our hopes and plans. There will be times when we will “feel” betrayed by Him.

⁷“Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord,
    whose trust is the Lord.
⁸He is like a tree planted by water,
    that sends out its roots by the stream,
and does not fear when heat comes,
    for its leaves remain green,
and is not anxious in the year of drought,
    for it does not cease to bear fruit.”

Jeremiah 17:7-8 ESV

Jeremiah 17:7-8 gives us a beautiful picture of how to trust God when we feel the cycle of trust is broken. In this illustration, the rain is like the comfort we receive from God in the cycle of trust. When drought comes, instead of listening to anxiety or feeling betrayed by God, we put our roots down and drink from the water beneath us. This is the water that has accumulated over time. The trust we have already built. We remember, recall, recount the times that God has come through, the times that what we thought was delay was actually God preparing something even better for us. And thus, the fruit of our relationship with God continues to grow, because we trust Him despite what circumstances or our feelings would tell us.