By: Lauren Thomas
I read a book in college that actually changed my life. It was originally published in 1992, but I have witnessed it slowly shift the cultures of Christian families and churches since. The book was, “Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life” by Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend. Even Christians who haven’t read this book have adopted some of the concepts, as boundaries have become part of pop psychology.
But there’s a problem with how many Christians have made the application.
To begin, what are boundaries? Think of a boundary like a fence. A fence separates what is mine from what is yours. It keeps the good in and the bad out. It shows what is my responsibility and what is not my responsibility. There are different types of fences and different types of boundaries. Some are rigid, like a brick wall or electrical fence. Others are more relaxed or flexible, like a picket fence with a swinging gate. In certain situations, and for certain boundaries, rigid is a good thing! But rigid isn’t a good quality for every boundary.
Boundaries are Biblical. We see them in Proverbs. We see them in the laws God gave His people. God gives boundaries: He tells us who He is, and He tells us who we are. He tells us what we are responsible for and what He is responsible for. Paul also speaks to boundaries in Galatians 6:1-5: we are to bear one another’s burdens, while carrying our own loads.
When Christians are unaware of their boundaries or have unhealthy ones, the result is burnout and/or enabling dysfunction in others. Boundaries are important for protecting against burnout and for keeping others accountable.
But here’s where I think the application went off track.
Christians who use boundaries as an excuse out of serving or as an excuse for retaliation are not doing boundaries Biblically. I have seen Christians be hurtful toward others in the name of boundaries. I have heard from people opting out of volunteering at church because of their boundaries.
Jesus said…
And if anyone forces you to go one mile, go with him two miles.
Matthew 5:41 ESV
This verse in context comes from a teaching on retaliation and flows into a teaching on loving your enemies. Jesus elsewhere calls His followers to humble service and sacrificial love. This is the extra mile that Jesus taught about. Boundaries show us what the extra mile is. They show us where it is, where it begins, and where it ends.
Boundaries protect us from burnout. They support healthy relationships. They show us when we need to rest or relinquish worries to God. Additionally, they give us a choice: now that we can see the extra mile, will we go it?
If we use our boundaries to be disobedient to Jesus, then Believer, you aren’t doing boundaries right.
Reflection:
What preconceptions or prior experiences do you bring to the topic of boundaries? How have you seen unhealthy boundaries cause problems? Where have you seen boundaries become an excuse? Where is a boundary in your life that you have chosen to go beyond for the sake of sacrificial love and humble service? What are some “extra miles” you are walking for the Kingdom?
The book sounds very interesting and I agree that boundaries are very important. Personally, It has always been my weakness.. I don't want people to get mad at me, so I tend to take on more than I should.
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