What to Do When a Friend Deeply Hurts You

By: Sarah Geringer

There are “friends” who destroy each other, but a real friend sticks closer than a brother.  

Prov. 18:24 NLT

Have you ever been deeply hurt by someone you believed to be a friend?

Several faces come to mind when I consider this question.

They have the same theme in common: I was dropped from the friendship like a hot potato, suddenly, without any warning.

These are friends with whom I shared my heart. Friends with whom I traveled, laughed, and enjoyed meals. Friends I invited to important events, and they invited me to theirs. Friends I thought would weather life’s changes with me and stick around.

Not every friend is meant to last forever. Sometimes you have school- or work-related friendships that last only while you are at that location. If you move or change churches, it’s easy to lose touch over time.

But that’s not what I’m talking about today. I’m talking about friends that knew you very well but rejected you anyway.

Let’s admit the truth: Mean girls don’t stay inside middle schools or high schools. They’re still alive and well in their 30s, 40s, 50s and beyond, seemingly unaffected by their bad behavior.

If you’ve been hurt by a friend, you need God’s help. Here are my suggestions for how to handle your feelings after being hurt:

1. Take your hurts to God.

In 1 Peter 5:7 we read, “Cast all your cares on him, because he cares for you.” God cares about your hurt feelings. If you are hurting, cry it out before God. Let him comfort you with his constant, loving presence. Allow him to sift through your feelings and give you insight you can’t find yourself.

2. Consider whether you’ve ever hurt someone else.

I was once one of those mean girls. In junior high, I rejected my best friend for the “cool” crowd. It hurt her badly and I felt terrible about it for a long time. But I’m happy to say we reunited in high school and we’re still friends after 30 years. She has stuck with me literally closer than my sisters at times.

Since I’ve been a mean girl, I tend to look at the friends who have hurt me with greater compassion. I was hurting or striving for unworthy things when I was a mean girl, and I know what it’s like to make mistakes. You can use your past experiences to show empathy toward your offender.

3. Forgive.

No one likes to hear this advice, but it’s the only way to heal from a bad friendship. Every time you think of her, release her to the Lord. Pray blessings on her rather than cursing her. This will be hard at first, but it will get easier with practice. Trust me, I’m speaking from experience.

4. Turn to godly women for new friendships.

My closest friends who stick super close to me in both bad and good times are all godly, committed Christian women. They know my praiseworthy side and my sinful side. They were there for me when I endured a marriage separation and other times when I needed serious prayer. I consider them my real friends.

I’m not saying that Christian women can’t hurt you. Priscilla Shirer shares a story in the book Fervent of a close church friend who was jealous of Priscilla’s success when everyone else was supportive. Priscilla confronted the woman under the Lord’s guidance and learned that the woman was carrying her own pain at the time, which unfairly blocked their friendship. They reunited as friends after the confrontation, which may (or may not) be possible for you.

You have a better chance of finding a friendship that lasts with a godly woman than a woman whose heart pursues the world. It might take several tries, but a godly friend is a treasure worth pursuing.

5. Be vulnerable.

Friendships can be messy, just like all other relationships. To go deep with a friend, you must be vulnerable, and you truly risk being hurt.

I can honestly say that none of my closer-than-a-sister friendships happened without deep vulnerability on both sides. I know the pain of friendships that destroy, but I also know the abiding joy of friendships that last.

Be the kind of friend who sticks closer than a sister. You can’t control how people react to you. You can’t even control whether they will someday drop you like a hot potato. But you can control the kind of woman you are. You can be someone’s good friend, and God will help you have the courage to risk vulnerability in a friendship.

In our lonely world, many women are desperately searching for lasting friendships. Who do you know that needs your friendship today?

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Have a wonderful weekend!

Blessings and God's peace to you,

Sarah Geringer
Finding Peace in God's Word

Photo from Canva.com

Reflection questions:

1. What is your first memory of being hurt by a friend?

2. What can you do to be a good friend to someone this week?