I came home from four wonderful days away at our youngest daughter's in-law's little cabin on the Umpqua River feeling much better from the weariness I'd been struggling with. Two days after we arrived home we got the news of my husband's spiritual mentor's death, and four days after that news of the death of my oldest niece. I'm currently feeling a bit like a deflated balloon-unable to pump myself back up to normal.
Psalm 37 is one of my favorite Psalms. Today, verse seven really spoke to me. It gave me permission to just rest and lean on the Lord during this time. It brought to my mind the picture of holding a baby or toddler. Once they begin to rest in your arms, and perhaps even fall asleep, they become dead weight. They are no longer helping to support themselves, instead all of their weight is resting on you.
I'm not very good at allowing myself to be weak. I think that because I grew up without a strong emotional support system in my family, I became a bit of a "I'll just pull myself up by my own bootstraps" sort of person. Decades of being in full time ministry and learning to be there for others without a lot of expectation of reciprocation has probably fortified that mindset. But sometimes things happen and you just don't have it in you to pull yourself up or to push yourself through it. Perhaps God allows us to come to the end of our own strength on purpose. I love it when one of my grandchildren rests in my arms, when they quit fighting the tiredness and just give in and rest. Maybe God is longing to hold me like that, to bear all the weight I've been carrying. I think it's time for me to quit fretting about the fact that I'm not feeling quite like my normally capable self. I think it's time for me to just be still and to let myself rest and lean on my loving, understanding, trustworthy, strong and capable Father God.
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Praying for you this morning, Elizabeth. May God impart His strength to you, lifting you up by His arms and not by your bootstraps. May He give you His peace and comfort as only He can give in the days ahead.
ReplyDeleteThank you for your prayers! I feel the difference.
DeleteAmen, Elizabeth. A difficult week to be sure. You're in my prayers.
ReplyDeleteThank you so very much, June!
DeleteI am similar in that I feel I have to shoulder my way through everything and be strong enough to carry everyone else if and when they stumble. It is a difficult lesson to learn to lean back and trust in God to carry me when I need him. It's hard to let go...and if I am to be completely honest part of that is my own pride.
ReplyDeleteI'm sure part of my struggle is pride as well!
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